Waves

I am supposed to be working on anger and all that right now (why do i say 'supposed to be', its like I'm afraid to even admit that I am doing it) and in doing so I have been looking at the anger I grew up with, as in how my mom and dad expressed their anger and the ways they viewed it and dealt with other people being mad. Neither of them did a particularly good job of it. They were on either end of the spectrum, but neither one was balanced, helpful or productive.

Arguing with my best friend has helped me realize that its not an awful thing to have differing opinions about things, and that I can bring shit up without it being the end of the world, or our friendship. And that is all because he actually listens to me, and thinks about what I said, and why I might feel like I do, then either says sorry, and explains his side, or comes back with why I am wrong, but he doesn't default to one or the other. I like that. It helps, a lot, not just in our friendship (although it has done wonders for my ability to be more present in it) but also for my well being, not only feeling like I am allowed to be mad, but also trusting someone else with that anger.

In the chapter on feelings in 'Eating in the Light of the Moon' by Anita Johnston she talks about how feelings are waves, you can either allow them to roll through you and ride them, or you can block them, but if you block them, all that emotional energy just gets stuck, and often confused and messy. That image of the waves helped, because waves roll, they wont stop unless you stop them, which means, if you just let yourself feel what you need to feel and let it go, it will pass. and just like a wave of water, if you slam a wall down on it, it breaks, but gets all confused and loses the grace that waves usually have, then you have all this chaotically swirling water to deal with, and that is where you could drown. If you take it a step further, water that sits for too long gets stagnant and bad things grow in it. So really its a lot better to just let the waves come, and ride them out, and see where they take you. I'm going to try that I guess, its scary though, and its going to take practice to get better at it, but we can all do anything we want to do, right?

I know that the best way to get better and become a whole person again is to deal with all this shit that I wasn't dealing with before.