All This Stuff

Hello world of Blog. Its Sunday night and I find myself dealing with an unwanted guest. Edie has decided that she needs to step into my life today, which has of course left me wondering what I was doing so wrong that she felt the need to pop up and help me out. This is what I have come up with:

It would be lovely if it were a simple solution like "i did this thing today" or "tomorrow i have to do that thing" but in reality I think it started a while ago. If I'm honest with myself (and I like to think I am) I think it started a few weeks ago. Not that Edie has been here that long, just that that is when things started building up, laying the ground work for her appearance. Its not even that anything major happened a few weeks ago. Just that my May term class was ending, and I was coming home again after a few weeks of staying at Crickhollow while work was done on my house. The May term class was a little more stressful than I had anticipated, or maybe it was just as stressful as I had anticipated but I wasn't as strong as I had hoped. I'm really not sure. Either way, it was taxing.

I was really hoping my May term class would end when the class ended. Instead I am STILL working on my final project for that class. And on top of that I have started meeting with my phonology professor to work on finishing the Incomplete I took this spring. Turns out I still hate phonology. Even when I understand it, even when it makes sense to me, I hate it. Even just looking at the data for a problem-set kicks my anxiety into gear. When I walk away from it, even when I have solved a problem well, I feel dragged out, worn out, empty and sad. Even just writing about it bums me out. I know there is a point to it. I know there are people who put this study to good use. I, however, don't give a shit. I think this is what bums me out, that I have to do it even though it means nothing to me. I have to put a lot of mental energy into it, and I don't get anything back, not even the satisfaction of solving a puzzle.

On with the list: My mother. It seems she is always on the list of reasons Edie pops up, this time is no exception. I made a skirt, a beautiful skirt that I am very proud of, and I emailed my mum about it because she is the one who taught me to sew and our shared love of all things crafty and hand made is one of the last things we have in common. And, since I am being totally honest: I wanted her to be proud of me. I probably wanted her to see that I don't need her, I wanted to show her the personal touch I had put on the skill she had given me. I wanted to show her myself through a lens she could understand, since I can't show her much of myself anymore. I didn't hear from her for a while. I was starting to wonder if she was mad at me for the beautiful thing I had made, if she was jealous, or somehow else crying about it. (I know it sounds crazy, it is, she is) Finally she got back to me, she left me a voicemail saying she couldn't open the photos I had sent her on her phone, that she had been visiting my grandparents and that my grandma had had some kind of medical emergency the night before. She didn't elaborate, didn't bother to give me anymore details than that, and admonished me for not visiting them enough. So instead of the pride and praise I had been looking for, I got guilt and worry. Awesome. (the lesson here is don't do things because you want a particular response, don't expect much from people, especially the crazy ones)

Next up: the renovations. I hate renovations. I stayed at Crickhollow for a few weeks, which was alright, I love the Crick very much. But its not mine. I don't live there. I was/am so glad to be back to my bed and my room and my cat and my stuff. I'm so glad to be here in fact that even when I knew there was going to be some potentially noisy stuff going on in the morning I opted to tough it out. But if I had known there would actually be more loud mornings than not I would have grudgingly packed up my shit again and headed back to St. Paul. I did not know this though, so I was left with a few good nights sleep, and mostly a bunch of shitty nights sleep. I don't do well without sleep.

So I'm back to Crick for a few days starting tomorrow, and then my aunt and uncle are in town, I adore them, but it means another week of not sleeping in my bed, also a week of being social. I'm really tired of being social. I feel like I haven't had a moment to myself for weeks. Which is sort of true, but partly just because a lot of the time I do have to myself is full of school and other shit I don't want to have floating around my head. What I really want is a goddamned summer vacation! I want some time to lay around and play videogames and knit whatever the hell I want and design and make skirts and read all the books I haven't had time for.

So all of those things combined make a sort of perfect storm for Edie to step in. I'm feeling boxed in and like I need to rebel somehow, so here she comes, giving me a way to rebel, to express myself and my frustrations. The trouble is, I'm the only one who gets hurt by this rebellion. She wants me to slow down, she wants me to take some time for myself. She wants me to stick to my guns and tell people I don't want to do things when I don't want to do them. She wants me to ask for what I need. And she is right. Which is why I am at home writing this tonight rather than out at a movie with a friend of mine like I had planned. But there are some things that I can't have, even if I ask for them. For example, I can't not finish phonology. I can't make the carpet guys come at 4:30pm and work until midnight or however long it takes them to finish. There are always going to be things I don't want to do, but have to do anyway. Edie and I need to work out some kind of plan for when this is the case. Not to worry, I'm back at the Emily Program again after a month long break. I'm so glad to be back I can barely stand it. And it looks like its just in the nick of time too!

If I won the lottery tomorrow.

If I won the lottery tomorrow, you know what I would do? Well first I would listen to the old This American Life podcast on what to do when you win the lottery, THEN I would buy the property next to the one I live on now, I would build myself a small, sturdy and loving house. It would have a lovely deep warm bathtub (and a really big efficient water heater, a room just for making art of all kinds, a beautiful kitchen of just the right size and shape, a dining room, an office, two bedrooms and a library. I would find some way to have a sound system that ran through the entire house that could hook up to my iTunes, and could also be accessed remotely, so no matter what room I was in I could change the song and volume. It would have all kinds of cool architectural features in it. There would definitely be some nooks and at least one secret passageway. I don't need a lot of space, but I want the space I do have to be interesting, comfortable and useful.

Once my land was paid for and my house was designed and built, I would put a new bathroom in my parents house, they deserve better than what they have now. I would then buy myself a smart phone, because really, its time for me to catch up with the rest of society. I would also buy myself every available season of Community, and Oceans 11 and Amelie. I would probably buy myself a kindle too, which is not to say I would give up on books. I just want to be able to bring a million books with me wherever I go without having to actually drag a suitcase with me.

When I was done buying myself all these little toys I would settle into my new house and start taking one or two classes at a time, rather than a full 14 credits every semester. That way I would stand a chance at actually enjoying school and retaining more of the information I learn. While I was relaxing my way through school I would make skirts and knit a million things, write lots of letters, make some books and cards and generally spend my time being creative.

I'm sure somewhere along the line I would hire a fabulous accountant/financial advisor, who would find ways for me to invest some of my money so I could live off of it for a long time. I'm also sure some would go into some savings account somewhere. If I were really really rich, I would pay off the debt of the Hindu Temple in town and I would donate a ton of money to the Emily Program Foundation.

This daydream might be a little selfish, but I think selfishness is safe in a daydream, don't you? Isn't that what daydreams are for?

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

I hate it when blogs start with "its been a while, but here is why I haven't written..." so I'm not going to bother trying to catch you up on what has been happening in my life since I last got around to writing. That being said, how can I possibly tell you what is going on without telling you what has been going on? So here goes. School ended for the semester, and because I took an Incomplete in one of my classes finals were not nearly as grueling as midterms were. Maybe its because everything went so smoothly that I decided to sign up for a May-term class (at the U of M we have May-term instead of J-term, but its pretty much the same thing, a quick 3 week intense class). This has left me with a few weeks of summer vacation before I jump back into class tomorrow. In those few weeks I have done some stuff I wasn't planning on, and not done lots of the stuff I had planned on doing. Which, if you ask me, is the point of vacation.

I finished reading World War Z by Max Brooks. Its a book about the zombie apocalypse, but really its about the way different cultures around the planet dealt with the crisis. If you like zombies you might be disappointed by this book (the zombie information was seemingly accurate, but all in all they played a very small role), but if you like sociology you might be happily surprised, as I was. The book is written from the other side of the disaster. The human race has (narrowly) survived the invasion and after 10 years of getting their feet back on the ground a report is commissioned to sum it all up. The book is what had to be left out of the official report, as these interviews are focused much more on personal stories than on cold hard facts. Through all these stories you start to get a picture of how people survived, how people are equipped (or not) to survive without the structure of society we all have come to depend on (for better or for worse), which gives us a chance to look at how our society has formed us, our opinions of the world, and our opinions of ourselves. Do we think we have the skills we need to survive in the wild? Do we expect someone else to take care of it for us? Do we band together, or try to go it alone? Do we flee, or fight? Anyway, the point is: it was a surprisingly lovely book (lovely and zombie are not words I generally think to put in the same paragraph). It was thought provoking, and well written. I highly recommend it.

I did not start reading any of the books that are in my 'to read when school is out and I have time' pile. I haven't worked on the afghan for my aunt, which was supposed to be done almost a year ago. I haven't listened to all the tunes that I have been saving for 'when I'm out of school and have the brain space to actually take them in'. I haven't played through Portal and Portal 2, which was all I could think about for the last two weeks of school. (To be fair, I have played most of the way through Portal). I haven't cleaned the house (I did clean the bathroom, but the rest of the house is under construction, or full of furniture from the part that is under construction and where is the fun in cleaning that?)

But for all the things I haven't done, there are things I have done too. I have started listening to Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham. A nice surprise to find in my iTunes library. I have learned to sew and made a few skirts already with plans to make a million more. I have cooked myself some delicious chicken curry. I have started going to Temple. I have started doing yoga again. In short I have spent this week coming back to myself. I have started enjoying the space in my head again. Thats what vacation is for right?

The Illusion of Control

I register for fall classes tomorrow, and I cannot for the life of me bring myself to care about what I take. This seems counter productive since what classes I take will basically decide how my life will go for several long months. But heres the thing: no matter how much I look at class descriptions and coursework and all that, I am likely to be surprised in the fall. Take this semester for example, I thought for sure my meteorology class would be my least favorite thing in the world, I was thinking of it as my 'just get through this' class. It has turned out to be my favorite class, by far.

So I guess it seems silly for me to worry too much about what I take. The most important factors for me, are when the class is (if its a 10:00 am class I will probably fail it) and how many people are in the class (200 is too many). And even the number of people in the class can turn out to be completely unimportant, my meteorology class has nearly 100 people, which on paper looks like too many, but the way the class is taught makes it work for me. Ideally I would base my enrollment on my impressions of the professors, but that isn't an option, so its a crapshoot. and you shouldn't get attached to the outcome of a crapshoot.

Wait... Where am I going?

I've been asking people in my life lately what they would do if someone gave them a million dollars and told them there was more where that came from and that they would never have to work again. The answers weren't surprising. They were variations on "what I already do for fun". I couldn't find an answer for myself, though. I have had a job that was "what I do for fun" and it was a living hell. I can't think of many jobs that I would go back to just for fun. The closest I could come up with was that I would go to school, but only part time so I could have time to actually learn and absorb all the information instead of feeling so rushed that I am only getting a passing glance at it (which is mostly how it feels now). I would spend the rest of my time making pretty things, just because I can. I guess what that says about me is that I like to learn for learnings sake. I like work, but I don't like being crushed by it. I like balance.

Here's a little secret. When I look into my future, I see myself coming home from a hard, but satisfying day of work. I see myself petting my cat, making myself a quiet (and nutritious) dinner. I see myself take a hot bath, and write in my journal. I see a good book and a cup of tea. But what I do all day is a mystery. If I had to guess? If, today, I had to tell someone where I wanted to be in 10 years it would be at Gallaudet University, in the library.

I like to help people. I prefer to communicate using Sign Language. I have a great respect for books and the people who take care of them and keep track of them. Why wouldn't I try to become a librarian at the worlds only Deaf University?

Well ok, that answers that I guess.

Now to find some courage.

Introverted Adventures at University

So I started back at school full time last week, (well, technically two weeks ago, but last week was the first full full week). The last time I was in school was 7 years ago and it was a completely different can of worms. It was a small Tech school and I was the youngest person in my program. Now I find myself at the second largest University in America, and I am one of the oldest people in my classes. I'm not THE oldest in all of them, but I am in some of them. And I'm not trying to say I'm old or anything, in fact, until going back to school I didn't feel old at all (ok, maybe I felt a little bit old when my baby sister graduated from High School). But now I sit in a group with kids in their early twenties and I think 'was I ever so young and naive?' Mostly I'm grateful for all the growing up I've done, I'm grateful to be who I am. I am grateful to be a 29 year old who finally has an idea of what she wants, I'm grateful to be so far along in my recovery that I can actually learn, I'm grateful to know myself well enough to know (or at least have a pretty good idea of) what works for me. I'm glad I don't feel like a freak for not liking classes with 200 kids in them.

Still, as much as it helps to know that being an introvert isn't going to kill me, and that I don't have to try to be like everyone else, or change my learning style to fit everyone elses (and its helpful to know that about half of my class secretly agrees with me), I can't help but notice how extroverted my school is. Its as though it has extroversion as part of founding tenets. I imagine a school founded and run by introverts would never even imagine offering a class to 200 students at a time. The good news about my giant class is that it only meets once a week, I only have to sit in a room full of 200 kids 13 more times.

I also have a class of about 100. I wondered for a moment why that class didn't make me as anxious, was it because my threshold for crowds was more than 100 but less than 200? I don't think so. There may be 100 kids in the classroom, but we are all sitting at tables with about a half dozen other students, and on the first day we were encouraged to get to know the people we were sitting with as they would be the group we would be working with for the rest of the semester. That immediately brought the class from feeling like a rather overwhelming 100 students to a much more manageable 7 students. One of the things I strongly dislike about being in such big classes is the feeling that I am just one in a crowd, that the professors don't actually care about me, that I am in no way shape or form special or unique, that it wouldn't matter to them if I never showed up at all. And part of what I hate about that feeling is that if it doesn't matter to them if i show up or not, it probably doesn't matter to them if I am actually learning anything or not.

At the end of this week I was exhausted. I didn't realize it until today, Sunday, when I finally had a chance to breathe. There is a fabulous Trad Irish musician in town playing a house concert tonight and as much as I want to go, I am too tired and lonely to be in a crowd of people. I have a whole week of being in crowds ahead of me, I need to rest up. This is the only part of being an introvert that I really dislike; when there is an event that I actually want to attend, but don't have the energy for, due to using my precious social energy all week on things like sitting in class, and walking down crowded sidewalks.

I do, however, feel very very blessed to finally have a best friend who gets it, who knows I want to go, but just can't. I am glad to have someone to whom I can say 'i'm too lonely to be around people right now', who understands it, who doesn't need me to explain (because lets face it, when you try to explain that to an extrovert they look at you like you are insane or just making excuses). I extra-love my best friend because he is going to record the concert for me. Which means that I will eventually get to listen to the music without all the hassle of the crowd of people I am acquainted with, but don't want to talk to. The sound quality might not be as pristine as it will be live, but I will actually be able to enjoy what I hear, whereas if I dragged myself out of the house tonight the whole thing would feel like a chore.

Knowing myself is a wonderful thing.