Starting to Feel the Stress

Its midterms (two)week(s) here at the U of M. Between now and two weeks from now I have 3 papers due, a take home final to finish, and a test. Then I have a blissful week off, where all I have to do is a ton of reading that I am letting slide in order to get the rest of this crap done.

This week the stress of all this finally hit me. I declared a full on snow day on Monday (since the University thought we could all brave the snow after noon). I ditched group on Tuesday morning because I was too tired to think about driving to St. Paul and I went home early, skipping out of my Tuesday night class. I was overwhelmed. I came home in desperate need of a pep-talk, which I got from my lovely step mom and dad, who reassured me that we are all at the ends of our ropes, that everyone here is done with winter, even if its not done with us yet. And then I went on with my week, I went to all of my classes on Wednesday and on Thursday I went to class and then studied for a few hours before heading out to the opening of an art show called "Art and Eating Disorders: Building Community Awareness". It was put on by the Emily Program Foundation and featured art by clients from the Emily Program. It was a lovely event, but it was a small room full of people (not something my introverted self loved). And when I was done there (I stayed just long enough to say hello to a few friends I hadn't seen in a while and check out the art) I went to a concert. A friends band was in town from Scotland and I felt like I owed it to her and to myself to see some good music. By Friday I was exhausted again but I stayed at school until 9:30, just me and the cleaning crew, to attempt to catch up from all the time I had taken off the day before. I spent a few hours on Saturday and again today studying and trying to shape up some of these papers.

So here I sit, exhausted, feeling like I have barely made a dent in this huge pile of projects, and I am asking myself if I can do it. I am having serious doubts about my ability to get everything done that needs to get done. Its not that there aren't enough hours in the day, its that my brain can only work for so many of them. I only have so much time to think and figure before it just gives up on me. I keep pushing myself though, I reach the point where I think I ought to be done, and then I work for another ten minutes. I take a break, I come back and do it all again. I am working at full tilt. Still, I'm falling behind and the work I am managing to do is subpar.

I am exhausted. I just want someone to swoop in and make it all better. But I know from years of experience that that will never happen. Still, I'm not too worried. I know that I am smarter than I think I am and stronger than I feel. I know that at the end of the day I am doing my best, and that no matter what any professor says, my best is good enough.

Lonely on Sundays

Its Sunday night, so of course, I am lonely. I don't know why its just Sunday nights that this feeling comes over me. I suppose other people feel it on Friday nights, or Saturday nights, when all of their friends are out on dates or at parties or whatever. But me, introverted me, I get it on Sunday nights, when everyone is home, in bed early, preparing for the week. Maybe feeling lonely is my way of preparing for the week ahead.

All I know is that most Sunday nights I want to curl up with a good book and a cup of hot tea, or a few good episodes of West Wing. I have discovered over the last year or so that West Wing is what I want when I am lonely. I think its because the show is filled with witty people who are part of a team, they share something. I don't feel that anymore in my life. I very rarely walk out of a room and feel like I just shared something important with people I care about. I used to feel that way about group at the Emily Program, but lately I don't feel it even then. Its not that group has stopped being helpful, its still just as helpful as ever, just in a different way. Group is not where I am doing my growing right now. Group has become a place for maintaining, which is good. But it doesn't leave me feeling energized and connected like it used to.

The problem now is that the place where I am doing all my growing (namely school) is the place I don't feel connected, or energized most of the time. Most of the time school makes me feel exhausted and like I don't quite belong. It makes me feel like I must be missing something, like everyone seems to know something that I don't.

and of course...

Its winter. Still and always winter. We are in the midst of another blizzard, our second this season. As much as I would like to say I am a hardy Minnesotan and that we can handle anything, that doesn't mean it isn't trying, it doesn't mean that winter doesn't start to seem long and dark and oppressive after a few months. We had a lovely thaw this week, we even saw temperatures in the fifties, which was a much needed break. It was so nice to be able to walk to class without a jacket and without freezing. It was so nice to be able to feel all of my fingers and toes and to feel some fresh air on my skin and walk with my face upturned to the sky. It made all the difference in the world. Which makes this blizzard a double slap in the face. This is month 4 of snow banks 4 feet high. Its too much. Tonight I feel the weight of each of these snowflakes.

But for all that, tonight is just another one of those winter nights that we Minnesotans endure. Its one of the things that makes us hardy and strong.

...right?