Someday I'll be Dancing Circles Around Her

As part of my full life reboot I have moved into my childhood home with my childhood dad and all my childhood issues, behaviors and habits. It has been a tough transition for me. I am mostly able to think of it less as 'moving back in with my parents' and more as 'doing what I need to do to take care of myself' but still, its tough, a big change. As part of this big change I am still trying to figure out how best to fit my apartments worth of stuff into my one bedroom.

I never lived in a dorm room (I skipped that part of the college edperience) but I imagine my room looks a bit like a dorm room might. It is packed from floor to ceiling with all my worldy possessions. The closet is packed (mostly with yarn) to the spilling point. The only furniture is my bed, my desk, chair (a relic from my childhood), the bookcase (also packed to the spilling point), my dresser and a few milk crates which serve as my bedside table as well as storage for more books, art supplies and knitted things which are waiting patiently for winter to come around again.

One of the nice things about moving is realizing what is actually important to you , what you clearly value, for example, I didn't realize just how many books I own until I had to pack them and then find room for them all. I apparently also have a liking for black boots (I own 4 pairs). I'm not even going to go into the yarn and knitting supplies (although I should mention that at least a quarter of my books are knitting related), of course there are the art supplies of all types, and my cd collection is much larger than I had thought it was.

You are also given the opportunity to cull your belongings, you come across things you realize you have no use for, no desire to own. I let my fabric collection go to goodwill (when did I really think I would find the time and patience to learn to sew?), I took a bag of books to the used book store (I took store credit of course, who needs cash when it will all be coming back to them anyway?)

But there are some things I cannot let go of quite yet, some of these things have just gone into storage (cook books, momentos), but some of them I keep close to me. Things like my dance shoes.

You would think that a pair of shoes wouldn't be such a big deal, but dancing is one of the things that Edie (where are my manners? World, meet Edie, my eating disorder. Edie, this is the World, none of them like you, get used to it) has taken away from me. I used to dance, before i got sick, and I had just started to get back into it, and realize it was something I actually enjoyed when Edie showed up. For a while I thought I could have both Edie and my dancing, but I was terribly mistaken. So as Edie took on a bigger role in my life my dancing took on a much smaller role until one day, I looked over at my dance shoes and realized they were covered in dust and I didn't have enough strength to brush them off.

I refuse to put these shoes in storage. In fact they are not even shoved to the back of the closet, they are sitting where I can see them every day. I don't want to forget about them again, and even though I cannot use them to batter out the once familiar rhythms like I used to, I can still use them as weapons against Edie. And someday when she has faded like an old girlfriend into the backdrop of my life I will pull those shoes out and step up to be the woman I knowI can be.