What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

I hate it when blogs start with "its been a while, but here is why I haven't written..." so I'm not going to bother trying to catch you up on what has been happening in my life since I last got around to writing. That being said, how can I possibly tell you what is going on without telling you what has been going on? So here goes. School ended for the semester, and because I took an Incomplete in one of my classes finals were not nearly as grueling as midterms were. Maybe its because everything went so smoothly that I decided to sign up for a May-term class (at the U of M we have May-term instead of J-term, but its pretty much the same thing, a quick 3 week intense class). This has left me with a few weeks of summer vacation before I jump back into class tomorrow. In those few weeks I have done some stuff I wasn't planning on, and not done lots of the stuff I had planned on doing. Which, if you ask me, is the point of vacation.

I finished reading World War Z by Max Brooks. Its a book about the zombie apocalypse, but really its about the way different cultures around the planet dealt with the crisis. If you like zombies you might be disappointed by this book (the zombie information was seemingly accurate, but all in all they played a very small role), but if you like sociology you might be happily surprised, as I was. The book is written from the other side of the disaster. The human race has (narrowly) survived the invasion and after 10 years of getting their feet back on the ground a report is commissioned to sum it all up. The book is what had to be left out of the official report, as these interviews are focused much more on personal stories than on cold hard facts. Through all these stories you start to get a picture of how people survived, how people are equipped (or not) to survive without the structure of society we all have come to depend on (for better or for worse), which gives us a chance to look at how our society has formed us, our opinions of the world, and our opinions of ourselves. Do we think we have the skills we need to survive in the wild? Do we expect someone else to take care of it for us? Do we band together, or try to go it alone? Do we flee, or fight? Anyway, the point is: it was a surprisingly lovely book (lovely and zombie are not words I generally think to put in the same paragraph). It was thought provoking, and well written. I highly recommend it.

I did not start reading any of the books that are in my 'to read when school is out and I have time' pile. I haven't worked on the afghan for my aunt, which was supposed to be done almost a year ago. I haven't listened to all the tunes that I have been saving for 'when I'm out of school and have the brain space to actually take them in'. I haven't played through Portal and Portal 2, which was all I could think about for the last two weeks of school. (To be fair, I have played most of the way through Portal). I haven't cleaned the house (I did clean the bathroom, but the rest of the house is under construction, or full of furniture from the part that is under construction and where is the fun in cleaning that?)

But for all the things I haven't done, there are things I have done too. I have started listening to Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham. A nice surprise to find in my iTunes library. I have learned to sew and made a few skirts already with plans to make a million more. I have cooked myself some delicious chicken curry. I have started going to Temple. I have started doing yoga again. In short I have spent this week coming back to myself. I have started enjoying the space in my head again. Thats what vacation is for right?

The Illusion of Control

I register for fall classes tomorrow, and I cannot for the life of me bring myself to care about what I take. This seems counter productive since what classes I take will basically decide how my life will go for several long months. But heres the thing: no matter how much I look at class descriptions and coursework and all that, I am likely to be surprised in the fall. Take this semester for example, I thought for sure my meteorology class would be my least favorite thing in the world, I was thinking of it as my 'just get through this' class. It has turned out to be my favorite class, by far.

So I guess it seems silly for me to worry too much about what I take. The most important factors for me, are when the class is (if its a 10:00 am class I will probably fail it) and how many people are in the class (200 is too many). And even the number of people in the class can turn out to be completely unimportant, my meteorology class has nearly 100 people, which on paper looks like too many, but the way the class is taught makes it work for me. Ideally I would base my enrollment on my impressions of the professors, but that isn't an option, so its a crapshoot. and you shouldn't get attached to the outcome of a crapshoot.

Everything is ok! You have 2 weeks left.

I have two weeks left of school. Just two weeks, and so of course, i am spacing out, reading novels (that have nothing to do with school) playing video games, planning to play video games, knitting pretty things. Basically anything but school work. And its not that I don't have anything to do. I have plenty to do. But my mind is over it. My mind is already on vacation. My mind has packed up and gone home. And I have no inclination to call it back again.

I stumbled-upon a game on Friday, Its called jig-saw-doku and its basically sudoku with little tiles with little colored numbers on them. I think I like it partly because it eats up 10-15 minutes per game, which is just short enough that its easy to get sucked into the "just one more game" mindset, but long enough that even just one game can fully reset your mind from whatever you had been stuck on. I also like it though because when you ask for a hint it says "everything is ok! you have # tiles left" I just love being told that EVERYTHING IS OK! It is so reassuring. Never mind if you are stressed out, everything is ok. Most of the time that is all we need to hear right? That everything is going to be fine. Most of the time the people telling us this don't know if its going to be ok or not, but we believe them. We take them at their word.

I take this game at its word.

Everything is ok.

(I realize this is kind of a light post, everything else in my life just seems to big and heavy to fit in a blogpost right now.)

I'm supposed to be in class...sort of

I'm supposed to be in class. But I'm not. I'm worn the fuck out. For the last few weeks Edie has been nibbling away at my meals. She has been taking such small bites that it has been easy for me to ignore them. I have been able to rationalize it and pretend it isn't happening. But it is. And today, it caught up with me. If you give her an inch, she will take a mile, and I didn't have a mile to give.

I made it through my first class alright. And I made it through most of lab by the skin of my teeth. I had to walk down the street to get lunch and as I walked I felt myself leaning on my bones. Never a good sign.

You know how sometimes the universe comes to your aid when you need it? smoothing the way and making things easier for you? Well, sometimes it does this in an unexpected way. Sometimes it throws obstacles at you to get you to go the other way. Today felt like one of those days. I made it to the restaurant (barely) and it was packed with people. I have never seen it so busy. When I am at the end of the end of my rope all I want is to be alone, or as alone as possible; So being in a small room packed to capacity with the music blaring wasn't ideal. After ordering I was forced to stand around waiting for my food. I desperately needed to sit, but there wasn't a single open seat, so I stood until a seat opened up and when I finally sat down a big crowd of very big loud men came in. Not good. I was just trying to make it out without freaking out, and once I did I realized there was no way I was going to make it to class tonight. It was just out of the question. Thank you Universe for forcing me to take a night off.

I sat outside and ate a bit, I was that hungry that I couldn't make it the 4 blocks back to school without eating something. I'm now sitting in the STSS building (my home base at school) on the floor eating and writing this. According to the University I should be in class. But according to reality I should be exactly where I am. Taking care of myself.

Minnesota: my abusive boyfriend

I love the sky in minnesota in the spring. In fact, there isn't much I don't love about minnesota in the spring. My relationship with this great state is a bit like a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. For 5 or 6 months out of the year I get beat up, worn down, dragged out, pushed to my limits with the snow, the ice, the wind and the darkness. And just when I am ready to leave for good, it changes. I am in heaven for 3 or 4 months with the most beautiful green you have ever seen on the ground and in the trees, the beauty of the rivers and lakes and all the lovely wildlife that live in them, and of course the skies. And I think, well, this isn't so bad, in fact this was totally worth all that other shit. and before I know it we slide into late summer where things are alright, better than winter, but not as nice as spring. The heat starts to get oppressive and the green starts to fade a bit, and I know its just a matter of time until I am back to freezing again.

In the winter I think of the scorching heat and humidity of the summer months, and during the summer I think of the freezing winters. But in spring, this is when I am able to be most present and actually enjoy myself in this crazy dance I do with my home state every year.

(ps. Yes, I'm writing about the weather because the rest of my life is shifting around a bit and its too scary to look too closely at it just now. But also, the weather in Minnesota is pretty cool.)

Wait... Where am I going?

I've been asking people in my life lately what they would do if someone gave them a million dollars and told them there was more where that came from and that they would never have to work again. The answers weren't surprising. They were variations on "what I already do for fun". I couldn't find an answer for myself, though. I have had a job that was "what I do for fun" and it was a living hell. I can't think of many jobs that I would go back to just for fun. The closest I could come up with was that I would go to school, but only part time so I could have time to actually learn and absorb all the information instead of feeling so rushed that I am only getting a passing glance at it (which is mostly how it feels now). I would spend the rest of my time making pretty things, just because I can. I guess what that says about me is that I like to learn for learnings sake. I like work, but I don't like being crushed by it. I like balance.

Here's a little secret. When I look into my future, I see myself coming home from a hard, but satisfying day of work. I see myself petting my cat, making myself a quiet (and nutritious) dinner. I see myself take a hot bath, and write in my journal. I see a good book and a cup of tea. But what I do all day is a mystery. If I had to guess? If, today, I had to tell someone where I wanted to be in 10 years it would be at Gallaudet University, in the library.

I like to help people. I prefer to communicate using Sign Language. I have a great respect for books and the people who take care of them and keep track of them. Why wouldn't I try to become a librarian at the worlds only Deaf University?

Well ok, that answers that I guess.

Now to find some courage.

Too Much Writing Means Not Much Posting...I Guess

I didn't post on Sunday like I normally do because I spent all day writing this essay and frankly I was really done writing. That night I dreamed that I got a job at the yarn shop I used to work at (that tipped my life upside down, and not in a very pleasant way). I'm really glad I don't work there anymore, seeing it in my dream was bad enough. Anyway, enjoy my little paper on Knitting.

Startitis. It’s not a made-up disease; it’s a knitter’s ailment. No one quite knows what causes it. Some knitters get it on pay day, some get it on vacation, some get it when their lives are overwhelming, and some seem to get it completely at random.

Startitis is the overwhelming desire to start a new knitting project regardless of the number of projects currently on the needles. I, personally, tend to get it when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I know it seems counterintuitive to think that starting something new would make life less overwhelming, but it’s not just the starting, it’s having the end in sight, right from the beginning. And of course there is something about making a pretty thing out of nothing, or nearly nothing, that is just good for the soul. Making pretty things can pull you out of seemingly any rut you have gotten yourself into. Starting a new knitting project can make everything seem better.

Knitting in and of itself can be very therapeutic. The repetitive motion that it requires can help people work through trauma and stress. Studies have shown that knitting has a similar effect on the brain as repeating a mantra or prayer. But the real story lies deeper than that. It’s the act of creation that is important.

When you start a knitting project, you start with yarn and needles and sometimes a pattern. You have these three simple ingredients and with nothing but your wits and your skill you create something beautiful, hopeful, inspiring, practical, whimsical, new. This is the most simple and powerful magic.

Starting a project starts well before the yarn and needles are in your hands. First you have to decide what you will make. There are different ways to go about this. Sometimes there is a particular technique you want to use, for example you might be craving your cable needle, or you might feel the need to work with two colors, or maybe you just want something simple that requires almost no technique whatsoever. Other times you might really want to make a particular item. Even in the dog days of summer you might get a sudden craving to make a hat, or a pair of mittens. Sometimes it can feel like it’s not entirely up to you, sometimes it feels as though the project is picking you, rather than the other way around.

Last year I found myself making hat after hat. It had nothing to do with need (even in Minnesota a person can only use so many hats) and there wasn’t anyone in particular in my life who needed hats. I just needed to make hats. I think there are several explanations for this. First of all, hats are small, they are manageable projects, the end is in sight from the moment you begin. Second of all, the structure of a hat is, to me, very predictable, and when your life is feeling unpredictable it’s nice to have something constant in it. Third of all, and maybe most importantly, they afford a simple avenue for self-expression and creativity.

One of the great things about hats is that they can range from simple (as a new knitter my second project was a hat) to very complicated, requiring charts and graphs and unusual techniques. There are lots of decisions to be made before you even start a hat. What kind of brim would you like? (Ribbed? Rolled? Earflaps?) What kind of pattern would you like on the body of the hat itself? (Cables? Stripes? Fairisle? No pattern at all?) What kind of crown would you like? (pointed or flat?) What color(s)? How warm would you like it to be? (is it a summer hat? Or a winter hat?)

Despite the variety in hats, the underlying structure tends to be predictable. Generally you start at the brim and work your way up, eventually decreasing for the crown. This lends a sense of stability and familiarity, but leaves room for self-expression.

Self-expression is key for growth and self-discovery. There is no doubt that art can be very therapeutic, but sometimes making art can seem overwhelming to me, too much freedom. I get lost on the paper, my thoughts won’t come together, and I am left sitting with a crayon in my hand and a blank sheet of paper wondering where to even begin. With a knitting project I know where to begin; it’s a familiar path.

One of the nice things about hats as knitting projects is that they are manageable. They are a small enough project that I can think it through, start to finish all at once. When your life is in transition, when you are leaving your old life behind, and moving forward, into a new future which is open ended and unknown and maybe not as meticulously planned out as you are accustomed to, it’s nice to have something predictable and small, something you can see the beginning, middle and end of. When things seem unmanageable in my life (like they did so often last year) having something manageable, like a knitting project, is infinitely comforting.