New Years Resolution(s)

One of the nice things about having a birthday a few months before new year is that you can get a running start on some of these resolutions. In the past I have made resolutions on my birthday, not new years. When I was 18 I resolved to stop misusing razor blades, and I have stuck to it. Last year I learned to take care of plants, and I took a photo of myself every day (just to see if I could) and I resolved to be done with my mother, and I have stuck to all of those (interesting how resolving to be done with my mother allowed me to be more like her, the parts I liked about her anyway). This year I started flossing daily. I know that sounds dumb, and its something I should have been doing forever, but I didn't, and now I do.

I don't tend to make new years resolutions. I make casual resolutions throughout the year, and I stick to them while they serve me, but for some reason this year I want to make a new years resolution, maybe because my birthday resolution this year was so simple, I don't know.

I am wary because this year promises to have a lot going on already. I am graduating (Gods willing) and when school ends I will start working (again, Gods willing) and I will move out of my parents house, I will start living a life which looks a little more like a life, and less like a layover. And the same way my birthday resolutions help me ramp up to new years resolutions, I guess I'm hoping a new years resolution can help me ramp up to those other big changes which are on the horizon.

So here they are:
Be brave.
Take care of myself.
Have some fun.

The first might entail going out on at least one date this year, but I don't want to make that a resolution, because if there is no one to go on a date with I don't want to do it just because I said I would (theres nothing like mandatory fun to take the joy out of a situation). It might entail taking an internship somewhere out of state and far from my support network. It might entail applying for a job I don't think I have any chance at getting. It might entail telling my professor (after I'm out of his class of course) that I have had a sort-of-crush on him for a long time. It might entail making a new friend. It might entail applying to grad school. I don't know, which is why I want to leave it as general as possible. Be brave little one. Remember that everyone was frightened and everyone was brave, and you can be too.

I have some more specific ideas about how to go about living up to my second resolution. It involves getting my body moving again. I have been yoga-less for a year now. My wrist is still pretty fucked, and it won't be not-fucked for the foreseeable future, time to find something else to fill that niche. Swimming maybe (although I doubt it. Honestly, its just too much of a hassle to get myself to the pool), maybe just some modified yoga, my own personal flavor of wrist-less yoga. Maybe just going for a walk a few times a week (walking on campus doesn't count as going for a walk, I mean a walk with no one around, and no backpack). Of course taking care of my physical self also means keeping up with my physical therapy exercises, getting enough sleep, eating well, keeping my stress levels reasonable etc. See the pattern here of ramping up? first I learned to eat well, and listen to my body when it comes to sleep, then I learned to actually do my pt exercises and, while I'm still working on keeping my stress levels in check, I dare you to show me a student who isn't also constantly working on that. And now I am going to add one more thing, slowly but surely.

But my body isn't the only thing that needs to be taken care of. My mind needs tending too. I'm hoping to be able to write in my journal once a week, thats not too much to ask, I hope, we will see how that goes, but I know it will be good for me if I can do it.

The third resolution is really just a strengthening of the resolution I made at the beginning of the semester to do something social at least once a week. I hung out with my little brother and my friend B and even N a few times, and toward the end of the semester I was even hanging out with people from school and attending school sponsored events. As an introvert, and especially an introvert who had to fight for my right not to party, it seems odd to make myself go out and be with people, and its still a bit of a chore sometimes, but every time I did it this semester I was glad of it. Having said that, once a week seemed to be just about enough, although I expect that to change when I live alone.

I'm really just hoping that all these resolutions will add up to me being less lonely. Thats my goal for the year: Be Less Lonely. Its time. Time to start opening up a little again, letting people in, feeling the love that is available out there for me. So there it is. The thing I really want, but am afraid to admit. To Be Less Lonely.

My semester has been made up of days like this

So I am recovering today from my second panic attack in a week. I thought I would take this opportunity to sort a few things out, and because I don't want to feel completely alone about it, I thought I would Blog about it, because even though it has been months and months and months since I have posted anything here, this is still my space to post if I want to. (thats one of the lovely things about the internet, once you claim a free space, its yours until you actively give it up)

This semester has been rough. I hurt my wrist over winter break so I haven't really knit all semester. Usually I am a daily knitter. If I don't knit one day its unusual, very unusual. So going two and a half months without knitting a single stitch is not only unusual, but also very stressful. The fact that I cannot knit adds stress, and the fact that knitting is usually a stress reliever means it isn't doing its usual job of relieving stress, basically doubling my stress. Thats one thing that has made this a rough semester

Thing number 2 is that because of the same wrist injury, yoga has been unavailable. I only do yoga once or twice a week (generally) but again, its an important form of stress relief, both physically and mentally. GONE. For a while I was going to the pool once a week, and in retrospect I really should have kept up with that. But going to the pool is harder than just pulling out my yoga mat, so I didn't.

Thing number 3: school. yeah yeah yeah school is stressful, this doesn't make me special. I totally get that. But this semester I am taking an honors class, because it fulfills one of my graduation requirements without forcing me to be at school at 9am. First of all, there is a reason I don't usually take honors classes, namely that I am not an honors student. Second of all, I transfered into the class a week and half late. So I came into the class that was a little to hard for me a little bit behind. Oh yeah, and it meets at 12:45, which should be fine, but it turns out that 12:45 is still really early for me. Its a good class with a good professor, and I like it, but its hard all around.

Thing number 4: Mom. It always seems to be about her doesn't it? I stopped talking to her in November, cause she refuses to meet me even close to halfway on a very very important issue (either I have written about this before here, or I will write about it later, but not now). I thought (very foolishly) that I was mostly over her and the whole thing, and I guess I am, I mean, hearing from her doesn't throw me into a tailspin like it used to. But she has written me a few letters and left a few voicemails. And every one adds just a little bit of stress.

Thing number 5: N. or rather the lack of N. For those of you who don't know N is my best friend (more like brother or cousin than friend). And in January we had a big potentially-friendship-ending fight. We didn't speak for a month or so, and then when we did it was awkward and emotionally charged and stressful. This situation has settled down over the course of the last few months, but still, its rough to suddenly have one of your only support people not there at your side when things are rough, and they have been rough this semester (in case you hadn't picked up on that).

Thing number 5a: Because there was no N there was no Crickhollow. No Crickhollow means nowhere to catch my breath during a long day at school, it means no hot baths, it means no safe place, it means no real moments alone. All of these things are very important to my mental health.

So there you have it. 5 1/2 things that have been slowly chipping away at me all semester. I have done pretty well, all in all. I have kept up with my assignments reasonably well. I have gone to most of my classes (I have only missed a few days of each class, mostly in the last few weeks). I have been eating, and my wrist has been healing (with the help of physical therapy a few times a week) and now that N and I are back on friendly terms again (I am currently writing this from Crickhollow) things are getting much easier.

Or they should be. But they don't seem to actually be getting better. Maybe its that school is getting much harder (we are into the final few weeks which means paper writing overdrive in all 4 classes) and without this bit of relief from the rest of my life this would be impossible. I have been able to knit for a grand total of an hour over the last few weeks (20 minutes at a time), which has been fabulous. I have had a few hot baths, which have been fabulous. But I'm still sitting here hungover from a middle-of-the-night panic attack and I'm actively fighting off panic and anxiety today (again).

I have been trying to remind myself that dealing with a panic attack takes just as much out of you as being sick does. That it wears your body down, as well as your mind, that not getting enough sleep makes things harder, and to be gentle with myself. And I am. But I also don't think I really have time for this. Not if I want to get my stuff done.

How about this? I will work for a few hours tonight, then rest. It means I will only have put in a half day, but I don't care. Then, tomorrow, I can do a few hours of work, go to class, then rest again. I will give myself until Friday to just work at a pace that I can actually sustain. Then I will start emailing professors to get extensions on final papers and the like. This is a good plan. This is a workable plan. This is a plan that doesn't involve more stress. My semester has been full of plans like this.

I should point out that this semester hasn't been 100% hellish. There have been a few supports left in place. First of all, I still have a rent free place to live, its not ideal, but its free. Second of all, my little brother has stepped up to help me when I have really really needed it (and even a few times when I only kind of needed it) Third of all, I have still managed to go to Temple most weeks and this has been very very helpful. My life is noticeably worse when I don't go. Fourth of all, I got my sewing machine out and set up about half way through the semester. Sewing helps scratch the itch of making something pretty, and of being creative, and generally helps still the shakes of knitting-withdrawal. Fifth of all, music. I have had a pretty decent soundtrack for my hardships this semester. Doomtree has helped me feel like an asskicker more often than I would have without it, which has made a huge difference. Sixth of all, this winter wasn't really a winter. If the weather had been like it was last year I would have given up a long time ago. So even though things have been rough, they have remained manageable for the most part.

Wish me luck on getting through the next 3 weeks!