Bummer

I just bummed myself out by reading some Occupy Wall Street stuff. I blame Lemony Snicket. Until now I had managed to be aware that it was happening, but not give it much thought. Then I saw this. And I thought, well yes, that all makes perfect sense, maybe I understand this better than I thought I did. Turns out, yes I understand the frustrations, I understand the WHY of the protest. What I don't understand is what they want the next step to be. If by some miracle someone did come out of the building and say "You know what? You all have a point. How can we make this right?" What would those protesters do? Who would speak for them? and what would they say?

Thats the part that makes me sad. I know our economy is in the shitter, I know that I am luckier than many, I know that I am coming through this largely unscathed. I know that I am lucky to live in a state that believes in affordable healthcare for everyone, so I am able to see a doctor once a week, and whenever I need to. The state of the union right now (that is: not-united, eating itself alive) bums me out. But what bums me out even more is the helplessness of it all. That even as these people are standing on the streets, pouring their hearts out, they are not doing much more than I am. They are spending more energy, and maybe sometime soon that energy will get noticed, it sure has a better chance of getting noticed than me mulling it over silently. But what then? It seems like once its noticed me and the protesters have the same plan - stare blankly.

It reminds me of watching a toddler throwing a tantrum. Its painful to watch someone in distress. And I know that this is the only way they know how to communicate that distress. But because I don't know what would cure that distress, or rather how to procure the cure for their distress, all I can do is watch and empathize. I hope a doctor walks by soon and either fixes it or tells me how to fix it.

I saw a petition online to forgive all student debt, the idea being that with all that extra money all those people could go out and stimulate the economy, and you know, not get evicted. I like this plan, a bail-out for students (of all kinds) who will then go out there and work hard and all that.

But what about the people (like me) who are in school now, what happens to our debt? I suppose it would also be forgiven, but at that point why issue loans at all? Why not just make tuition a government problem? Why not just give everyone scholarships? I like this plan too. I had a professor from Senegal who could never quite wrap his head around the whole student loan thing. He couldn't understand why we (as a people) thought it was a good idea to spend money we didn't have, in order to learn. He didn't understand how the government allowed this to go on. He said that in his country everything was paid for, because the president knew that without an educated populace his country would never get off the ground. I agree, but I am a linguist, not an economist, or a policy maker. So, until I am able to do something more concrete about it, I just agree. And that bums me out.

Fear

I slept poorly last night. I spent yesterday doing homework, (mostly studying Hindi) and watching The Wire on my study breaks. I also cooked and knit a bit, but my brain was most occupied alternately by how to conjugate hindi adjectives and the requirements for being a drug dealer in the projects. Its not the drug deals, the junkies or the violence of the Wire (all 4 episodes that I have seen) that gets me; its the apathy of the cops, the desperation and hard-heartedness of the people in the projects. But the worst part for me, was seeing the one or two characters who cared one way or the other. Those were the characters that stuck in my head and made me think about the show long after I had turned away from the screen.

Apparently this is a bad combination for my brain. I kept waking up in a panic, dreaming that I was failing at school and my classmates had to carry me academically. The worst part was that they resented me for it, they were not glad to help, and they didn't care that I was grateful for the assistance.

Because its October and because I am a fan of Neil Gaiman, I have been thinking about what kind of scary books to get people in my life for All Hallows Read. The thing is, what scares me might not scare you. The things that keep me awake at night, namely the soft heartedness of people in hard hearted situations, might not keep you awake at night. And the things that might scare the pants off of you, are things I might be able to live with (although I doubt it, I'm pretty sensitive). Which makes buying scary things hard. So I have decided that instead of going with things that are scary, I will go with things that are traditionally Halloween-y. World War Z for my brother who out of the blue last week announced he was the best at Zombie survival skills, I truly had no idea. Enders Game for my dad, who has always loved sci fi, and because I just really want an excuse to give him this book. And I think I will use this as an opportunity to introduce my best friend to my favorite author, Neil Gaiman, who writes about strange things, but not always scary things.

To round out this fairly unorganized blog post are a few antidotes to unpleasant and scary things. First off, Madison the 5 year old make up guru, watching her is almost as calming as meditation. There is nothing quite like the focus and competency of small children to calm the nerves. Secondly red pandas playing in the snow which are always good for a smile, especially the last little dude, and finally an oldy but goody: marcel the shell, who won't fight unless provoked.