The Illusion of Control

I register for fall classes tomorrow, and I cannot for the life of me bring myself to care about what I take. This seems counter productive since what classes I take will basically decide how my life will go for several long months. But heres the thing: no matter how much I look at class descriptions and coursework and all that, I am likely to be surprised in the fall. Take this semester for example, I thought for sure my meteorology class would be my least favorite thing in the world, I was thinking of it as my 'just get through this' class. It has turned out to be my favorite class, by far.

So I guess it seems silly for me to worry too much about what I take. The most important factors for me, are when the class is (if its a 10:00 am class I will probably fail it) and how many people are in the class (200 is too many). And even the number of people in the class can turn out to be completely unimportant, my meteorology class has nearly 100 people, which on paper looks like too many, but the way the class is taught makes it work for me. Ideally I would base my enrollment on my impressions of the professors, but that isn't an option, so its a crapshoot. and you shouldn't get attached to the outcome of a crapshoot.

Everything is ok! You have 2 weeks left.

I have two weeks left of school. Just two weeks, and so of course, i am spacing out, reading novels (that have nothing to do with school) playing video games, planning to play video games, knitting pretty things. Basically anything but school work. And its not that I don't have anything to do. I have plenty to do. But my mind is over it. My mind is already on vacation. My mind has packed up and gone home. And I have no inclination to call it back again.

I stumbled-upon a game on Friday, Its called jig-saw-doku and its basically sudoku with little tiles with little colored numbers on them. I think I like it partly because it eats up 10-15 minutes per game, which is just short enough that its easy to get sucked into the "just one more game" mindset, but long enough that even just one game can fully reset your mind from whatever you had been stuck on. I also like it though because when you ask for a hint it says "everything is ok! you have # tiles left" I just love being told that EVERYTHING IS OK! It is so reassuring. Never mind if you are stressed out, everything is ok. Most of the time that is all we need to hear right? That everything is going to be fine. Most of the time the people telling us this don't know if its going to be ok or not, but we believe them. We take them at their word.

I take this game at its word.

Everything is ok.

(I realize this is kind of a light post, everything else in my life just seems to big and heavy to fit in a blogpost right now.)

I'm supposed to be in class...sort of

I'm supposed to be in class. But I'm not. I'm worn the fuck out. For the last few weeks Edie has been nibbling away at my meals. She has been taking such small bites that it has been easy for me to ignore them. I have been able to rationalize it and pretend it isn't happening. But it is. And today, it caught up with me. If you give her an inch, she will take a mile, and I didn't have a mile to give.

I made it through my first class alright. And I made it through most of lab by the skin of my teeth. I had to walk down the street to get lunch and as I walked I felt myself leaning on my bones. Never a good sign.

You know how sometimes the universe comes to your aid when you need it? smoothing the way and making things easier for you? Well, sometimes it does this in an unexpected way. Sometimes it throws obstacles at you to get you to go the other way. Today felt like one of those days. I made it to the restaurant (barely) and it was packed with people. I have never seen it so busy. When I am at the end of the end of my rope all I want is to be alone, or as alone as possible; So being in a small room packed to capacity with the music blaring wasn't ideal. After ordering I was forced to stand around waiting for my food. I desperately needed to sit, but there wasn't a single open seat, so I stood until a seat opened up and when I finally sat down a big crowd of very big loud men came in. Not good. I was just trying to make it out without freaking out, and once I did I realized there was no way I was going to make it to class tonight. It was just out of the question. Thank you Universe for forcing me to take a night off.

I sat outside and ate a bit, I was that hungry that I couldn't make it the 4 blocks back to school without eating something. I'm now sitting in the STSS building (my home base at school) on the floor eating and writing this. According to the University I should be in class. But according to reality I should be exactly where I am. Taking care of myself.

Minnesota: my abusive boyfriend

I love the sky in minnesota in the spring. In fact, there isn't much I don't love about minnesota in the spring. My relationship with this great state is a bit like a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. For 5 or 6 months out of the year I get beat up, worn down, dragged out, pushed to my limits with the snow, the ice, the wind and the darkness. And just when I am ready to leave for good, it changes. I am in heaven for 3 or 4 months with the most beautiful green you have ever seen on the ground and in the trees, the beauty of the rivers and lakes and all the lovely wildlife that live in them, and of course the skies. And I think, well, this isn't so bad, in fact this was totally worth all that other shit. and before I know it we slide into late summer where things are alright, better than winter, but not as nice as spring. The heat starts to get oppressive and the green starts to fade a bit, and I know its just a matter of time until I am back to freezing again.

In the winter I think of the scorching heat and humidity of the summer months, and during the summer I think of the freezing winters. But in spring, this is when I am able to be most present and actually enjoy myself in this crazy dance I do with my home state every year.

(ps. Yes, I'm writing about the weather because the rest of my life is shifting around a bit and its too scary to look too closely at it just now. But also, the weather in Minnesota is pretty cool.)